On Passion

I love programming. It is the perfect blend of logic, mathematics and language. I frequently feel like my brain was made for programming. When I took my first stumbling steps in the landscape of code (on a TI-83+ calculator) I grokked the concepts almost immediately. Moving further on, from TI-BASIC into C++, with the introduction of functions, classes and so on, only made things easier. The power! I picked up programming comparably late, and learned fast. I'm not one of those people who talk about the good ol' C64 with a dreamy look on their face.

I love games. I love making them, I love playing them. The freedom they give you, the ability to create anything, to be anyone. The possibilities for exploration through simulation, delving into concepts otherwise beyond human observation. Their uncanny ability to make even the most boring of chores into a fun competition, with the addition of some carefully balanced game mechanics.

I heard Valve are developing a teaching aid based on Portal, to help students grasp the concept of the fourth dimension.

So, game programmer should be the perfect job for me. But I also love working with my hands: carpenting, painting, sewing, growing food, and generally tinkering. And when I am unable to find a good balance between the brainy and the more practical creation, I get frustrated and unhappy. At my former job (also game programming), I once got the task of painting a shelf we had bought for the office kitchen. My boss remarked that he hadn't seen me look that happy in weeks, as I did when I was painting that shelf.

I felt a very strong passion for my last job. It was such a great place, with a fantastically friendly and knit-together team. I was so loyal to both the product we made and to the people I worked with. And now, when that's all over, I feel empty. The new job I finally settled on, after lots of travelling around and doing interviews, is in no way a bad place. My colleagues all seem like a friendly bunch, management seem like reasonable and level-headed people, and there are some exciting things in the pipeline. I can't point to anything that's wrong with the studio. It's just that I have such a hard time finding any real enthusiasm for the job. It's like I've decided that what we had at the last studio is something I will never experience again. That's probably a somewhat destructive perspective. I think I'm grieving a bit.

Then there's the slight issue of colliding ideals. I am genuinely worried - no, worried isn't strong enough - convinced that we are exploiting and disrupting Earth's ecosystems so much that they will no longer be able to sustain our current societies. I believe we will start seeing the signs of societal collapse during my lifetime. And for this, I primarily blame the growth-driven consumerist economical system. Now, the problem is that the company I work for feeds and is fed by the consumerist society, in a very blatant way. This collision of values leads to cognitive dissonance, and a constant shame for what I do. Shame is difficult to combine with pride and passion.

So, to conclude: I have managed to find myself a job for which I feel very little passion (other that my passion for programming itself), no loyalty, and where I am ashamed of what I do. Well done, Anarhichas, well done indeed. 

Of course, I do have a long-term plan for fixing all this. It's just so very... long-term.