Trying not to be

I've been wanting to give my few cents regarding #1reasonwhy (for those not familiar, #1reasonwhy is the tag of an ongoing discussion about why there are so few women in game development). Yes, this post will be about "gender crap".

First of all, I want to stress that I personally, as a woman working in the extremely male-dominated field of game programming, have hardly experienced any problems related to my lack of Y-chromosome. Actually, I can not recall any weird treatment whatsoever from co-workers. The only more serious incident that comes to mind is at a job interview when the guy who was interviewing me seemed to be doing his best to insult me.

I'll elaborate on that interview, because I think it's a funny story.  He said quite a few things that upset me:

• "So, do you play any games at all?" (Shouldn't the default assumption be that a game developer plays games? I had certainly not said anything to indicate otherwise.) 
• "Was getting into the game industry just a career move for you?" (After having told him that I had spent the last few years working for an underfinanced and ultimately unsuccessful startup studio. And, well, let's just say the games industry isn't exactly the best paid job a programmer can get in my country...)
• "It's hard to hire girls, because most girls aren't very smart." (Comments superfluous...)

Needless to say, turning down that company's job offer was a no-brainer (I also did my best to make their HR-department realize that there might be a reason why they had a hard time finding female developers).

Aside from that one interview, which is the only time I can recall having been treated badly in a professional setting, there are of course the usual awkward situations at game industry gatherings. For example, people just staring in disbelief when finding out what I do, or assuming I'm an artist despite having just told them I'm a coder, or wonder how I can possibly enjoy programming games (and this was from a guy who was also a game coder - hilarious). But I don't see that as a big deal.

So, do I think the whole debate is exaggerated and driven by over-reacting hysterical women? No. Why? First, obviously, just because I don't have any significant bad experiences doesn't mean all the other stories out there are less important, or less true. But what I think is most significant in all this, is the underlying attitudes that spawn these problems. And these attitudes are in no way limited to the game industry.

I can't say much about the situation outside geek culture (since geek culture is what I am saturated in and have experice from), but I have become aware for the last few years that the prevailing perspective among geeks in general is very male-centric. Expressed more clearly: Being a man is inherently better than being a woman. An example of this is how often "manly" or "male" is used as a very positive descriptor of something or someone - implying "female" as the negative counterpart. That terminology is something I find myself, and many really nice guys I know, guilty of using all the time.

manly = good

In one of the #1reasonwhy stories that hit home the hardest with me, the author talked about how she had tried really hard all her career not to be perceived as a woman. (I can't find it at the moment, will add the link as soon as I do.) That is exactly what my subconscious strategy has been, ever since I hit puberty actually. I have only started to realize this the last couple of years - that I am afraid and ashamed of exhibiting any attributes traditionally associated with women. Why is that? It's not like I'm transgendered...

A lot of this comes to show in my appearance. I never wear makeup. I've never been to a hairdresser in my entire life. Even though I like to wear skirts, I would never wear one to work (and I'm talking shin- or ankle-length skirts here, not the knee or [gasp] thigh-length varieties). I carefully avoid showing too much skin (a former boyfriend once told me I was the "most dressed" person he knew). I only recently started wearing clothes in which the shape of the body can be seen (i.e., other clothes than big T-shirts, hoodies, and baggy jeans). Sure, it happens that I put on a skirt or a dress for a party with friends, but in professional settings I somehow feel that if I mark myself too clearly as a woman I would not be taken seriously, I would not seem like a real programmer.

That's not a skirt.

That's a skirt!

When trying to get into any social context, especially among geeks, I always strive to become "one of the guys" as quickly as possible - at the expense of getting to know the other women who might be there. When someone asks me about my gaming habits, I tend to mention FPS rather than adventure games or board games as my genre of choice. And I prefer not to say that I play as medic in Battlefield and Planetside. This comic illustrate my fear very well - the fear of being somehow revealed to be "fake" (not just as a geek or a gamer, but as a competent professional).

Is this behaviour irrational? I don't know. Would I have been less lucky with my game-industry adventures if I didn't try so hard not to be perceived as a woman? Frankly, I don't think I dare to put it to the test.